ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
