fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
