You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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