what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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