I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
