He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
