I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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