John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
