I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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