so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
this will be a night to untag.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
