FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You can't special order awesome
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
