It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
