Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
