I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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