She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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