someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
