arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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