Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
