im drinking this country out of the recession.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
