I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
