alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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