i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
