The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
