my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
