I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
