Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
