Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found your dick twin last night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
