I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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