Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
