Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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