Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
