my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
