My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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