Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
