the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
