I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i believe in u and ur pee
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