If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
