i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
