OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
