is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
