I just cut my nipple shaving
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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