So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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