Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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