what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
