I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
