I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
