I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
