the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
