i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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