He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
