How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
