Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
