He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
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