So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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