I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
