Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
