i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize