You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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