You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
