my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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