Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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