I'm jealous of your bromance
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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