I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
