What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
