i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
