girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
