i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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