i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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