If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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