I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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