So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i love accidental penises.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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