i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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