someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
