my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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