come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
